Sometimes circumstances occur that are daunting and make absolutely no sense in the natural. Things happen in our lives that tear us apart. Broken dreams, broken hearts, broken spirits, broken souls, broken lives, and broken homes. The worst part is that you feel god has totally abandoned you. You cry out but he doesn’t answer. You beg and plea for help, for understanding, for a reason why, yet you only find him silent.
Sometimes trials and storms come that shake your faith and you are absolutely speechless. The thought of a loving god allowing you to go through such hardship makes no sense. You start to wonder: is god real, does he care, why didn’t he intervene and change my circumstances? Why didn’t god change the outcome of my circumstances especially when I prayed and believed him to keep his promises? If god is not a liar than why did things turn out the way they did? What part of with god all things are possible did I miss? What part of trust in The Lord with all your heart and he will give you your hearts desire did I miss? He said if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed nothing shall be impossible unto you. So what did I miss? My faith was greater than a grain of mustard seed!
My heart hurts and is broken in a million pieces. Not only did I have two miscarriages in six months but my faith in my creator is diminishing. How is god going to work this out for good? I guess that’s up to him to decide. What if the problem is not one of faith but of selfishness. I expect to tell god what I want and he should do it because I have faith that he will, right? What if this is the wrong perception of him. God is not a genie that must grant my every wish. I should trust and follow him at all times not the other way around.
He never lied about anything. Actually, he was the one who said in this world you will have many trials. He also said take courage I have overcome the world. He said he will never leave me nor forsake me. I think when you are in a state of brokenness, your perception is tinted and its difficult to see the blessing in the trial you are facing. Only months or years later do you get what god was doing. Many times I look back at the darkest areas of my life and I begin to thank god for them because some thing bigger and more wonderful cams out of them.
Here is an example. One of my greatest fears as a child was that my parents would die while I was still young. I was especially fearful of my mother leaving me. My mom was always there. She didn’t work while we were growing up so we’d always see her in the morning and after school we’d go home to a nice cooked meal. She spent most of her time cleaning, cooking, and talking on the phone. I liked being around her. My dad,on the other hand, always worked. He’d leave very early and come home after seven. He even worked nights for a while and we never got to see him much
Because my fear of them dying was so intense I’d plea with god not to take them. I remember being so angry with god because I felt like he was silent and my fear never went away. I even went as far as telling him that if he must take one of them to take my dad because we hardly saw him. therefore, it won’t be as painful if he died instead of mom. I did feel guilty for wanting my dad to die instead of my mom but as a scared little girl I wanted comfort and security.
I don’t know why I had such intense fear or why god allowed me to suffer for so long. I don’t know why he didn’t comfort me or take the fear away. What I do know is that both my parents lived through my childhood. Unfortunately my dad passed away when I was twenty seven. He was only fifty five and died suddenly.
As a child I felt hatred toward god at the thought of him taking away one of my parents. I was upset because I felt god was distant. I even felt sad as an adult thinking they will die one day. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally or emotional. Looking back I’m so grateful that god didn’t listen to my fears or anger towards him. He’s so much better than that because he looks at our hearts instead.
So what did god do for me? The interesting thing is that he didn’t work on my timeline. No, he never removed my fear and yes, my dad died young. However, god answered my prayer. Just because he didn’t remove a trial or because he allowed me to stay with my fears for a long time, it doesn’t mean he didn’t exist or care.
God has a way of letting you know that his hand of grace is upon your life even if it takes years later to occur. Before my dad died we had an unsteady relationship. We’d hardly talk for five minutes before an argument broke out. Yet a few days before his death the Lord gave me the most peaceful, miraculous few hours of my life with my dad. It was too perfect of a day to think that the day was mere coincidence.
For one thing there was absolute love and peace in my heart and it was nothing I’ve experienced on my own before. I can’t put into words the experience and joy I felt being with my dad. I just know it was a gift and I did nothing to deserve it. My awareness of the love I had for my dad was heightened for several hours while we were together. It was like god kept pouring thoughts of appreciation and love for my dad while he was alive, while we were together. Even though I was on earth with him, it felt like we were in a different dimension. I was a different person, one who saw what a blessing her dad was to her.
I remember going to Dunkin donuts with him and talking and laughing, then we were at the mall and there was so much peace around us. There was nothing he could’ve done or said to take away the love, joy and peace I had while with him. I know for a fact that it was a miracle because that afternoon those wonderful feelings I had toward my dad lifted and my old self came back… The arguments, silly fights etc.
I was devastated to loose that peace and I tried everything in my power to get it back yet I couldn’t. I truly believe it was supernatural. God had always known about my fears and weaknesses. Yet in his loving kindness he gave me a terrific day with my dad before his departure. Not because I deserved it, actually I deserved to be punished for doubting, hating and questioning god. But he’s so much better than that. He’s not out to get me or punish me.
Even after my dad died, god was there. I didn’t fall apart like I thought I would. He saw me through, slowly, day by day god was faithful. Yes there was pain. Yes it hurt. No, I don’t know why dad died so young. I don’t know why god allowed things to happen as they did but I do know he’s real and in a split second he can show you how majestic he is.
So as I wait on him, I have hope. He never changes. Even when I can’t hear or see how he is helping me, he’ll let me know that he’s with me one way or another.
From the Heart 